Categories
Hartklop

Bou en handhaaf gesonde grense in jou verhoudings

En Hy het uit een bloed al die nasies van die mensdom gemaak om oor die hele aarde te woon, terwyl Hy vooraf bepaalde tye en die grense van hulle woonplek vasgestel het, (Acts 17:26) 

Vanaf die vroegste tye af, leef groeperinge van mense binne bepaalde grense. Ons lees van nasies se bepaalde grense alreeds in Gen 10:19, en spesifiek Nimrod se ryk.  Vandag leef ons in ‘n meer pluralistiese samelewing waar mense probeer om grense te vervaag, of te verwyder. Verwydering van grense het bepaalde voordele maar ook verseker nadele. Ek staan verstom in ons werk in plakkerskampe, om te sien hoe vinnig ‘n nuwe plakker ‘n heining oprig nadat hy die slaapstruktuur opgerig het. Die mense hou dan ook gewoonlik dit baie netjies en skoon binne hulle bepaalde heining. Ons as mens weet inherent om onsself te beveilig met heinings, ons merk te maak, territoriaal ons area en eienaarskap af te baken. Die probleem is ons sukkel om grense te stel teenoor mense!

Jy het net mag en gesag binne jou bepaalde grens. Die teendeel sal dan ook waar wees, waar jy nie jou grense ooreengekom het nie, is daar dus chaos, twis en stryery.  Iemand wat weet hoe om duidelike grense te stel ten opsigte van hulle tyd, geld en betrokkenheid spreek van emosionele volwassenheid. 

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundaryshows me where i end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. 

Henry Cloud 

Die probleem is, dat nie almal daarvan hou dat daar grense gestel word nie. Sommige mense voel dit perk hulle vryheid in. Die persoon wat die grense stel word gesien as onbeskof, self-geldend en selfsugtig. Ons wil nie aanstoot gee nie, daarom stel ons nie grense nie. Die gevolg is egter dat baie meer mense aanstoot neem as gevolg van die gebrek van grense, omdat almal nie dieselfde waardes, gedrag of werkwyses het nie. Omdat ons nooit grense gestel het nie, voel ons misbruik, oorwerk, en oorrompel deur ongevraagde inmenging, hulpverlening en opinies.  

Buskruit wat aangesteek word ontplof met baie rook en ‘n groot slag, maar kruit wat beperk en begrens word binne in ‘n koeël kan ‘n baie verder afstand teen hoë spoed beweeg.  In antieke tye  is riviere as grens gebruik, later paaie, later kartering met merkers. Wanneer ons ‘n pad bou, moet jy randstene invoeg, anders spoel die pad weg. As hierdie grense noodsaaklik is vir hoe ons grond en eienaarskap bestuur, dan is dit ook netso wesenlik belangrik vir hoe ons verhoudinge bestuur.  

Wanneer ons trou, bou ons ‘n baie definitiewe grens teenoor alle vorige verhoudings, vriendskappe en familie se betrokkenheid in ons lewens. “Daarom sal die man sy vader en moeder verlaat en sy vrou aankleef. En hulle sal een vlees wees.” (Gen 2:24) Dit beteken na jou huwelikseremonie en bevestiging van julle verbond voor God en getuies, moet daar nou grense gestel word. Ouers het nie meer dieselfde rol en invloed in hulle kinders se lewe nie. Die man word die nuwe hoof van die gesin, en alhoewel hy in nederigheid vir advies of hulp kan vra, moet hy nou sy eie besluite neem. Die ouers is nie meer verantwoordelik vir die kinders se versorging nie. Daarom was daar tydens die kontrak fase, sekere praktiese aspekte van werk, verblyf en inkomste onderhandel.  Die man en vrou moet aanmekaar kleef, dit impliseer ‘n skeiding van die ouers.  (LEAVING and CLEAVING) [1] Die kinders moet emosioneel, finansieel en fisies losmaak van die ouers, om in besonder mekaar volkome te kan aankleef. Wanneer een van die kinders nog hulle ouers aankleef, kan die huwelik nie verdiep in hulle eie verbondenheid nie.  Natuurlik is daar respek en eerbied vir die rol van die ouers, maar binne bepaalde grense. 

Daar behoort ook duidelik grense te wees tussen die ouers se tyd, besittings, rolle en die kinders in die huis. Almal kan nie net kom en gaan, en maak soos hulle wil nie, iemand in die gesin gaan daaronder ly.  

  1. Onderhandel en bespreek die daarstelling van grense saam, sonder emosie. Wees prakties, en spesifiek. Noem bedrae, ure en plekname. Stel fisiese bakens. Hierdie kamer is buite perke tussen hierdie bepaalde ure. Wat is die uitsonderings? 
  2. Onderskei wanneer skuldgevoelens, manipulasie en dreigemente gebruik word om grondgebied te verower. Oorloë gebeur wanneer ‘n sterker nasie die swakker nasie se grond wil bekom. Daar behoort vreedsaam onderhandel te word, om ‘n wen-wen oplossing te kry, waarby alle party te vrede is.  
  3. Weet wat is jou grense: Ons kan nie alles doen vir almal nie. Ons het almal verskeie beperkinge en grense met betrekking tot ons energie, tyd, en geld. Ons het emosionele en intellektuele, vaardigheid beperkinge. Ek is vir my self verantwoordelik, en moet daarom onderhandel met die mense om my, wat elkeen se bepaalde grense is om ‘n wederkerige kompromie te eerbiedig. Dit beteken ek moet ook die mense om my se beperking ken. 
  4. Ons hoef nie te verbintenisse te maak met mense wat nie dieselfde waardes as ons het nie. Ons behandel alle mense met respek, en eerbied, maar nie almal is ons hartsvriende nie.  Indringers met verskuilde selfsugtige agendas, versteur die vrede. Ons moet veg om almal in die gesin se keuse van verbintenisse sorgvuldig te kies volgens die waardes van die bepaalde gesin. Behou die eenheid van die gesin.  
  5. Ons het altyd ‘n keuse. Ons is verplig om niks te doen, waartoe ons nie instem nie.  Jy kan kies, en vir ‘n persoon dit reguit stel hoe die persoon met jou moet handel. Dis soos ‘n sake kontrak, vir ons om met mekaar saam te werk stem ons in tot hierdie bepaalde betalings terme en dienslewering standaarde. Indien dit nie nagekom word nie. Kan ons nie voortaan besigheid doen nie. 

Vir meer inligting oor grense sien Henry Cloud se boek, en webtuiste. [2]


[1] Walk through the Bible Biblical portrait of Marriage https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cs4D8h-kFGY

[2] https://www.boundaries.me 
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
by HarperCollins Publishing
Learn more: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XFKNB2Y/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_MP9fFb470PTXS

Categories
Hartklop

Hoekom Trou?

Hoekom moet ons trou? 

‘n Bybelse fundering

In die lig van al hoe meer huwelike wat eindig in die skeihof, al hoe meer jongmense wat saambly, huwelik seremonies wat te duur geraak het, en tans te midde van Covid 19 nie kan plaasvind nie, is die onwillekeurige vraag: Hoekom moet ons trou? Dis tog net ‘n papier. Is ons nie voor die Here getroud as ons alreeds saam geslaap het nie? 

Alvorens ons hierdie vraag kan beantwoord: Hoe seker is jy dat jy die res van jou lewe verbind wil wees aan een persoon? Hoe weet ek dit is my lewensmaat? Dis ‘n bespreking vir ‘n ander tyd. 

Die bevel om te trou:

Die bevel om dat persone moet trou, ‘n huwelikverbond kontrak maak word in die skrif bepaal vir: 

Om saam kinders te verwek en groot te maak. (Gen 2:21-24) 

Om ‘n vredeskontrak tussen nasie te beslis. (Deut 21:10-14) 

Die verkragter moes met slagoffer trou. (Deut 22:28-29) 

Die naaste familielid moes met die weduwee en kinderlose vrou van sy broer trou, om sy natalingskap te verseker. (Deut 25:5-6) 

Dis interessant dat romantiese liefde nie ‘n rede volgens die skrif is vir huwelikbevestiging nie. In Bybelse tye, was huwelike deur die onderskei gesinne gereël.  Die naaste wat ons kom aan romantiese liefde is die boek Hooglied.  

Die fokus dus van die skrif is die kinders: Die Here het man en vrou een gemaak, een in liggaam en gees. En waarom een? Omdat Hy wil hê dat daar ‘n nageslag moet wees

wat Hom eer. (Mal 2:15) Sielkundiges, beraders en maatskaplike werker is dit eens: vir kinders om as gesonde gebalanseerde volwassenes op te groei het hulle ‘n standvastige, stabiele huisgesin nodig, wat voortbou van generasie tot generasie.  ‘n Gesin waar beide die ouers ‘n betrokke is aan die opvoedkundige proses van die kind se opvoeding, veral ten opsigte van waardes. Waardes word deur modellering en voorbeeld oorgedra.  

Drie fases van die huwelikverbond: 

Die Bybel verduidelik drie fases and aspekte van die huweliksverbondsluiting: 

  1. Kontrak (Contract) 
  2. Voltrekking (Consummate) 
  3. Feesviering (Celebration) 

Isak en Rebekka: 

  1. Kontrak (Gen 24:33; 51-53; 57-58) 
  2. Voltrekking (Gen 24:64-67) 

Jakob & Leah 

  1. Kontrak (Gen 29:15-20
  2. Voltrekking (Gen 29:21-26) 
  3. Feesviering (Gen 29:27-28) 

Jakob & Ragel 

  1. Kontrak (Gen 29:27) 
  2. Voltrekking (Gen 29:30) 
  3. Feesviering (Gen 29:27-28) [1]

Kontrak:

In Bybelse tye is die kontrak deur die ouers onderhandel, die bruidsprys is bepaal en aan die ouers betaal soos, nog regoor Afrika en die ooste die norm is.  Die kontrak was veral bepalend om toe te sien, dat die paartjie self-versorgend is, en dat daar voorsiening gemaak is vir hoe hulle gaan leef.  Kwessies soos huisvesting en toekomstige voorsieninge vir die gesin is vasgestel. 

Voltrekking: 

Die OT huweliksverbond is voltrek in die Chuppa Tent,[2] waarna die bloedbevlekte doek uitgebring is om maagdelikheid te bewys.  D.W.S die verbondsdaad het tydens die seksdaad gebeur. Bloed: ons kan nie skei nie.  Ons kan nie na ons dood, ons testament verander nie. Daarom word daar in die Bybelse verbondsluiting ‘n dier doodgemaak in 2 gedeel, en die 2 persone stap ‘n syfer 8 roete tussen die stukke vleis. Dit simboliseer dat ons ook nie die kontrak sal KAN verbreek nie. Na verbondsluiting KAN ons nie skei nie.  Die syfer 8 simboliseer ewigheid. Daar ‘n ring aan ‘n vinger, ‘n ewigheid simbool.  Sommige maak dan derhalwe die afleiding dat dit dan nie nodig is vir paartjies om wettiglik te trou nie. Hulle is voor die Here getroud. Waarom het Jesus dan nie die vrou wat by ‘n man gebly het, se verbintenis bekragtig nie? “Dis reg wat jy nou gesê het: ‘Ek het nie ‘n man nie.’ Jy het reeds vyf gehad, en die een wat jy nou het, is nie jou man nie.” (Joh 4:17) Dit beteken dat daar tog ‘n publieke seremonie moet plaasvind, waarby getuies betrek word, om jou eenheid en eenwording te verkondig. 

Feesviering:

Omdat daar nie baie melding gemaak word van die program van die huwelikseremonie in die Bybel nie, en dit ook deur die eeue verkillende vorms aangeneem het, word die afleiding gemaak dat dit nie belangrik is nie. Tog is dit duidelik dat in Bybelse tye, daar ‘n baie noue band was tussen die paartjie en die uitgebreide gesin en gemeenskap. Die hele gemeenskap is genooi.  (Joh 2) Huwelike is nie gesien as ‘n romantiese ontvlugting van 2 persone teenoor die res van die familie nie. Hierdie neiging is deur Hollywood populêr gemaak, dat 2 verliefde persone teenoor die hele gemeenskap en familie staan.  Hierdie konsep is vreemd tot die Bybel; jou lewe, werk, voorsiening, en oorlewing was afhanklik van die gemeenskap.  Isolasie was bloot nie moontlik nie.  Die uitgebreide familie het gehelp kinders grootmaak, versorg, kinders geleer en mekaar beskerm. Die wettige publieke seremonie was dus onombeerlik en belangrik. Dis hier waar die hele gemeenskap hulle goedkeuring, maar ook hulle ondersteuning aan die jong paartjie aanbied.  

Die mees belangrikste deel van die publieke verbintenis en beloftes wat gemaak word, is die spreekwoordelike streep wat getrek word: Ek belowe my trou nou aan een persoon. 

Die verbreking van hierdie trou en beloftes word ten sterkte deur die Bybel veroordeel as egbreek! (Exo 20:14; Deut 5:18; Mat 5:27; 19:18; Rom 7:3; 13:9) Die huweliksverbond word gesien as heilig, met die oog op die heiligmaking van die man en vrou, om die ideale omstandighede te skep vir kinders om in die wee van die Here groot te word.  

Die straf wanneer iemand die eg breek

Egbrekers sal gestraf word: Dood (Gen 20:7; Lev 20:10) Verskriklike oordeel (Eze 16:35-41); hulle het bloed op hulle hande (Eze 23:45; Mal 2:10-17) Sal nie die koninkryk of hemel sien nie (Rev 22:14-15).  

Hoekom is al hierdie inligting vandag nog relevant? 

  1. Romantiese liefde is nie genoeg om ‘n leeftyd te hou, tot op jou oudag wanneer mens meer afhanklik van mekaar raak nie en meer opofferings moet maak nie.  
  2. Nie die huwelikseremonie of die amptelike dokumente verseker getrouheid aan mekaar nie. Dit kos harde werk van verhoudingsbou, en saamgroei om enduit getrou aan mekaar te bly.  Beide partye moet opgroei in volwassenheid van selfopoffering, lojaliteit, respek en wederkerige samewerking. Die huwelik is ‘n reis in selfverloëning, waarby albei partye groei in die gestalte van Jesus vir mekaar. 
  3. Die einddoel is eenwording, dieselfde eenwording wat in die Godheid bestaan. Uiteindelik is die drie-eenheid vir ons ‘n voorbeeld van hoe die hele gesin eerbied, respek en enkelvoudig fokus leef. 
  4. Die huwelik word die fondament, vastegrond, veilige plek, waar kinders op groei, en kleinkinders en uiteindelik agterkleinkinders floreer.  
  5. Daar is veiligheid in huwelik ten opsigte van afsterwe, testament, nalatenskap vir kinders, en uitgebreide gesin wat kan help.  Hospitale vra, wie is die naasbestaandes.  
  6. Huwelik is die ultimate liefdesverklaring. Ek wil laat die son, maan en sterre, regerings en mense, bure en familie weet aan wie ek trou belowe.  Ek belowe die trou van my hart aan een persoon. Die trou van my seksualiteit. Die trou van my fokus en werk om saam ‘n lewe te bou, vir ons kinders, en hulle kinders. 

[1] https://www.bible.ca/marriage/ancient-jewish-three-stage-weddings-and-marriage-customs-ceremony-in-the-bible.htm

[2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuppah

Categories
Hartklop

How deeply are we connected in Marriage

God instituted marriage since Adam and Eve, (Gen 2:24) for us to experience the union that exists in the Godhead. (Joh 17:21) The trinity is a mysterious union of oneness. We do not worship 3 Gods, He is one. (Deut 6:4) Yet they are distinctively different.  This unity of diversity is the end goal of the marriage relationship.
“ Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mat 19:4-5)
Mixure of sand2The marriage ceremony symbolizes covenant.  The giving of rings, an unbroken circle and symbol of eternity, the vows, pointing towards a lasting covenant made.
In the Old Testament covenant procedure required blood: An animal was slaughtered to testify to the fact that we, after our death cannot change our will and testament. The emphasis is on: CANNOT! It is impossible to separate!
We may not feel “one” most of the time, yet like two containers of diverse sand mixed together, it is impossible to completely separate the two substances again. This oneness occurs and develops like a new tree planted, it grows and matures over time, become stronger and more evident.
You and your partner are more “one” than you may think.
Let’s look at some research being done over the last two decades on synergy and harmony in a long-term relationship.
Oneness instituted with first intercourse.
In Jewish culture, the marriage was consummated not with the solemn words of the preacher, but with the act of intercourse.  In Biblical times, a couple consummated their marriage in a room, called the chuppah. After their union they would come out and the bed linen presented for the evidence of blood.  This was to proof the chastity of the bride.  It is obvious that God intended the consummation of marriage to be a covenant making between two individuals.   The circuitry of the brain gets wired through first experiences: Should two individuals not wire together at the same time, writing a code of unity from the start? When we had sex with a number of people, our brain circuits becomes set in a certain way, it can be quite a challenge to find and bond with a partner with weird adapted circuitry.
The Bonding chemicals release with first intercourse
Jeremy Wiles explain the internal mechanism of our first sexual encounter well.
There’s a reason why breaking up from a sexual relationship is much more emotionally painful and much harder to forget than one that didn’t involve sex. There are several neurochemical processes that occur during sex, which are the “glue” to human bonding. Sex is a powerful brain stimulant. When someone is involved sexually, it makes him or her want to repeat that act. Their brain produces lots of dopamine—a powerful chemical, which is compared to heroin on the brain. Dopamine is your internal pleasure/reward system. When dopamine is involved, it changes how we remember. The other part is oxytocin, which is designed to mainly help us forget what is painful. Oxytocin is a hormone produced primarily in women’s bodies. When a woman has a child and she is breastfeeding, she produces lots of oxytocin, which bonds her to her child. For this reason, mothers will die for their child, because they’ve become emotionally bonded due to the oxytocin that is released when they’re skin-to-skin with their child. The same phenomenon occurs when a woman is intimate with a man. Oxytocin is released, and this makes her bond to him emotionally. Have you wondered sometimes why a woman will stay with a man who’s abusing her? We know now that it’s because she bonded to him emotionally because of the oxytocin released during sex. Men produce vasopressin, which is also referred to as the “monogamy hormone,” and it has the same effect as oxytocin has on a woman. It bonds a man to a woman. These “bonding” agents narrow our selection to one person. That is wonderful in a marriage relationship but really bad in a dating relationship because you lose your objectivity when you’re searching for your potential lifemate.[1]
All these chemicals working in the body have one obvious goal namely: oneness, bonding, intimate closeness and dependency on another.  It is also true that physical sex do not satisfy the deepest of desire in the human spirit, we need to connect and synchronize soul and spirit to experience sustainable bliss.
Learn to Work together:
Elizabeth Bernstein writes in her blog “When It Never Gets Easier to Say Goodbye”:
Scientists believe the attachment system is an evolutionary process that humans developed to survive. Early hunter-gatherers learned to work together, and children perished without the care and protection of an adult.[2]
Over time we learn to develop an intricate pattern of working and operating together to deal with life over time.  For example: One partner focuses on the finances, the other on child raising.  The one partner knows how to use technology, the other one are good with building social relationships.  We both add to the relationship based on our diverse personalities, values, skills and talents.  This is why it is so painful when we detach from each other, the person you have relied on is gone.   Once we move beyond the romantic phase, and the power struggle phase remaining committed we eventually begin to celebrate our differences. For it is our diversity that is really useful when it comes to teamwork.  Initially we try to change our partners to be like us, but eventually we begin to see that it is their unlike-us-ness that is most useful.
Your relationship has a unique thumbprint
John Gottman says that all relationships have patterns, sort of like a thumbprint. And, that by witnessing just a small portion of the relationship pattern, (the thumbprint, if you will) he can make a fairly accurate call on whether the relationship will survive. Gottman has screened thousands of couples over more than 30 years, getting scientific proof on what make some relationships last and others fail.  He has discovered that couples who argue more, is not necessary in more danger than seeming peaceful couples, the bottom line is the 5:1 ratio, 5 Times more positive experiences than negative ones. Each couple develops unique internal dynamics of problem solving, negotiating daily challenges. [3]
You Share a brain
Celia Harris and colleagues at Macquarie University recently reviewed their previously published and new research on social remembering by long-term intimate couples. “Remembering together – How long-term couples develop interconnected memory systems”
Together, couples were able to put together “richer, more vivid descriptions” of moments they’d shared, and, at times, the way one partner remembered something helped the other person see an old memory in a new light. Though, of course, we also know that human memory is incredibly faulty, and that a story can change from one telling to another. So it’s less that couples help each other remember an objectively accurate account of what happened and more like they help each other put the event in its proper emotional context. The memory-enhancing effect was most pronounced in older couples, and it worked better for partners who were kinder to each other and who reported having more intimate relationships, Fradera notes. Be nice to your partner; he or she may be the keeper of many of your memories. [4]
We create our own unique vocabulary.
Erin Brodwin writes the following in her blog about: “Science says these 5 things happen to couples that’s been together over a long time” I include her following points.
Ever get a text from your significant other that means absolutely nothing on its own but carries a certain significance that you can’t quite explain? This “insider” language is one of the first signs that the two of you are operating in sync, writes Shenk. According to a study from University of Texas professor of communication Robert Hopper, secret communication accomplishes two things: First, it helps deepen your bond — romantic or platonic. Second, it establishes a unique, shared identity. Private language can include everything from inside jokes to nicknames, writes Ohio State University psychologist Carol Bruess in a study of romantic couples. Bruess’ research suggests a link between how often partners use these private words and how satisfied they are with their relationship. Bruess found that the more often couples used secret words and phrases, the happier they tended to say they were. [5]
You start to sound alike
In addition to having their own private vocabulary, long term couples eventually “start to match each other in the basic rhythms and syntactical structures of their speech,” writes Shenk. Part of that is a result of a phenomenon that psychologists call “emotional contagion.” Basically, when two people spend enough time together, they begin to match each other’s speech patterns. We mimic everything from the other person’s accent to the amount and length of pauses he or she puts between words and sentences. There’s some evidence to suggest that these changing speech patterns can even serve as one indicator of how long a couple might stay together. Part of a 2010 study of language use among couples that looked at couples’ text messages, for example, found that when two people “sounded” more alike (in terms of the words and language structure they used in their messages) they were also more likely to still be dating three months later.
You have a bunch of inside jokes that no one else thinks are funny.
Research suggests that couples are more likely to mirror each other’s body language — which in turn makes them look alike — because they’re drawing from a wealth of knowledge that only they share. This “insider info” — all of your shared experiences and memories — informs your gestures, posture, and the words and phrases you use with each other.  A 2007 study, for example, found that people were more likely to copy each other’s eye gaze when they’d both heard the same background information before their conversation.
You start to look alike.
University of Michigan psychologist Robert Zajonc conducted an experiment to test this phenomenon. He analyzed photographs of couples taken when they were newlyweds and photographs of the same couples taken 25 years later. The results showed that the couples had grown to look more like each other over time. And, the happier that the couple said they were, the more likely they were to have increased in their physical similarity. http://www.livescience.com/8384-couples-start.html In his influential 1987 study, psychologist Robert Zajonc found that there’s a very obvious reason that married couples start to look alike: They use the same muscles so often that, over time, they start to mirror each other. This coordination of movement isn’t accidental, says Shenk. Instead, it “reflects what psychologists call a ‘shared coordinative structure’ which includes how we harmonize our gaze, body sway, and the little mannerisms and idiosyncrasies of how we speak.
You stop self-censoring
The way most of us speak with strangers, acquaintances and even close friends is markedly different from how we talk when we’re alone with our partner.
When we’re with others, most of us “self-monitor.” That is, we try to please the people around us by adapting our behavior to suit theirs. But when we’re with an intimate partner, we let go of this pattern of behavior and instead “talk fluidly and naturally,” Shenk writes. In other words, we stop having to constantly check ourselves before we speak. We’re more candid and more open.  Many of the pairs Shenk talks to in his book have such a relationship. University of California Berkeley psychologist Daniel Kahneman, for example, tells Shenk: “Like most people, I am somewhat cautious about exposing tentative thoughts to others.” But after he’d spent a few years working with his research partner, cognitive psychologist Amos Tverksy, “this caution was completely absent.”
You have unconsciously selected the best DNA for a healthy offspring:
Sheril Kirshenbaum writes a brief for CNN, on the science of kissing. The lips are the most exposed erogenous zone, and a good kiss can lead us to unconsciously coming back for more.  These experiences lies deep in our unconscious mind and memory, because of the involvement of all our five senses, leading to attachment and bonding.
Beyond obvious mood spoilers such as poor hygiene and bad breath, we each have a distinct natural scent that appears to guide us toward choosing a partner with compatible DNA. Scientists have found that women prefer the scents of men with a complementary set of genes that code for the immune system. The benefit may be that if children come along down the line, they would be well-equipped to ward off disease. [6]
I hope I have made my point! We are more “one” than we think or feel.  These attachments are mostly on an unconscious level, but we need to consciously agree and live a covenant lifestyle towards each other too.
twotreesone1)    Understand the eternal value and quality of the covenant relationship.  What a big difference will it make when we realize the problem is not your partner. The two of you are not that much different, you mostly want the same things. This is my experience with counseling couples over the years that both partners crave and desire the same things. The wife may complain that she does not feel loved and appreciated any more because the husbands is away a lot for business, the husband would complain that he does not feel connected with his wife, because she spends too much time with their children and her girlfriends.
The Godhead exists because unity is always first on the agenda. They always begin from this premise.  You will handle a disagreement differently, when you start from the point of what the two of you agree on.  There is no escape, no separation, no hiding, no detachment – no divorce! We have to work it out. Divorce is simply never an option. We keep on engaging, trying, working it out, have love find a way, we keep on growing, becoming better.  Do not take offence, and guard your hearts!
2)    Covenant language. Many couples talk themselves out of marriage, because they have already separated in their hearts. Point 1 deal with the heart; point 2 deals with our words.  We should never use the word divorce. We check our tone of voice. Our tone should always be respectful, mixed with honor. We speak life not death. Beware of complaining, murmuring and negative talk.  Also be aware of criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensive talk – John Gottman’s four horses of the apocalypse announcing the end and ruin of the relationship.  Song of Solomon is a beautiful expression of the language of covenant partners in love!  May we never stop to speak love poetry.
3)    Covenant actions. Actions speak louder than words. What does our actions testify off? The proof is in the doing. Doing the small things, being kind, and mindful. Covenant decisions and loyalty.  Is it loyal to your partner to share deep heart issues with anyone, but your partner? Quality time! Keeping one another informed. Do not take any decisions unless you are in agreement. This is the primary way to honor and respect each other.  Gottman’s 5:1 ratio is all about positive bidding. The couples that continue to remain happy in the relationship are the ones that gets a 70 % positive result.  This entails both parties denying of self. Dying to self and putting your partners needs first, is a powerful covenant action!
When our dog gets sick, we do not kill them, nor leave them to recover by themselves. We take them to a veterinarian. The same with our cars, when they break, we do not abandon them, and solemnly swear to never drive them again, rather we take them to a mechanic. Why do we give up on our marriages so easily? We are so reluctant to go for help, or go for counseling. We can read a book, or go to a marriage retreat.  We can go to our pastor and get help.  Marriage is holy, and worth fighting for!


[1] http://www.charismanews.com/opinion/39405-science-proves-premarital-sex-rewires-the-brain
[3] Why Marriages succeed or fail. John Gottman
[4] Harris, C., Barnier, A., Sutton, J., & Keil, P. (2014). Couples as socially distributed cognitive systems: Remembering in everyday social and material contexts Memory Studies, 7 (3), 285-297 http://digest.bps.org.uk/2014/07/remembering-together-how-long-term.html
Categories
Hartklop

Why remain faithful in Marriage

FOR GOD – The Bible declare God hates divorce. (Malachi 2:10-16) We made a vow before God and witnesses; “what God has brought together, let no man separates” Jesus made it very clear that Moses offered the people divorce letters, but before God there is no separation. (Matthew 19:4-8)  As believers we have no right to divorce unless our partner has already committed adultery, and when your spouse who is an unbeliever seeks to be separated. (1Corinthians 7:27-28) We are joined to each other in covenant, and we cannot separate. As believers we belong to God, and we are His dwelling place, how can we allow the members of his body to be defiled? (1 Corinthians 6:16-19) God will judge adulterers and divorcees.  (Hebrews 13:4) Joseph resisted the daily seduction of Potiphar’s wife because of his love for God. He asked her, “How … could I do this great evil and sin against God?” (Genesis 39:9). God wants us to develop a passion for Him that is greater than our passion to sin!
FOR TRUE LOVE – So many people say: “I do not love my spouse anymore, should I stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of marriage?” This reveals a great deception where these people value “love” more than they value obedience to God. Love is now their god. They believe that love will make them happy.  Erotic romantic love makes you feel empowered, you feel invincible, you feel alive, your happiness is focussed on your lover, and you cannot get them out of your head. People even give their lovers’ god-like names, and become poetic of the wonderful, glorious, illuminated, transcending experience. The sad truth is, that all this is a chemical reaction in the brain that releases dopamine that wears off over time.  Love is what brings a couple together, but we need more than mere romantic love to remain together. Do the 1 Corinthians 13 love test, and discover God’s kind of love.
FOR HONOR – Honour is the stuff heroes are made of.  Honour is what makes our lives reach over time and generations. We remember people either for their honour or their failure.  Honour your father and mother that you may have a long life.  Honour is a form of godliness where we are touching divinity.  When we do the honourable thing, doing what is right, we expose the quality of our heart and character. Choosing the path of honour is not easy, sacrificing our lives in the process.  People who get divorced for any other reason than adultery, physical abuse and manipulation towards criminal behaviour has no honour.  Marriage is honourable, it is holy.  Hebrews 13:4. Honour God, honour family, and honour yourself!
FOR IT IS MY CALLING AND RESPONSIBILITY – When we consider and fulfil our various roles: husband as leader and wives as helpmate we bring honour to the relationship.  When we allow emotions and circumstances to override our responsibility, position and role we open the door to various kinds of evil. We leave our partner uncovered, exposed to attack. Make your calling and identity sure.  (1 Peter 1:10) You are not an adulterer, liar, thief, a betrayer and unfaithful person! But giving in to sin, distorts God’s destiny and calling over your life, and soon you will become exactly that. Respect yourself and God’s call upon your life enough to not sell your birth right for a morsel of bread.  Cheating is not a mistake, it is a choice.  Loyalty is a responsibility not a choice.
FOR LEGACY – We model right living to our children and thus build a legacy for our children to follow.  We give up rights and privileges now, so in the future our children may have it easier. Marriage faithfulness is the foundation of building a legacy for our children. The family unit becomes the bases of family enterprise that provides for generations to come. Once we brake this up, we divide not only the family but also the family’s provision.  So many children today have lost hope and faith in the sanctity and purpose of marriage because they have so few examples to follow.  Children now have to make and discover their own way, because this generation selfishly only provided for themselves.  Children do not learn through their ears, they learn through their experiences.  What experience are you creating for your children?  Your decision will affect them for the rest of their lives.
FOR KEEPING YOUR WORD – One of my best friends were married for 22 years when his wife contracted colon cancer.  She became very sick, and they did not enjoy the pleasures of marriage anymore. He had to take care of her, she was in much pain and as a result became difficult and unreasonable at times.  After she passed away, I asked him one day; “why did you remain faithful?” His quick and prompt reply moved me; “I gave my word!” That’s it! We do not always have much to give as humans, but our word! Many people’s words has become meaningless without substance, because you cannot take them on their word.  You made a vow before God and witness, you should therefor get all those people together, and try to convince them why you are now seeking a divorce.
FOR SAFETY AND SECURITY – Marriage provides financial security if we work hard and are faithful with what we have received. Together husband and wives build together to establish a home, and provide for their children, saving also for their old age, and in some cases they have to help provide for their respective parents too. Divorce destroys this nest egg.  Wives who have not been working full-time, are thrown back in the corporate world often at old age to start at the bottom again. They have lost the security and safety of marriage.  The children are often also the victims of financial difficulty, because of the losses and costs of divorce.  Thus also losing the safety and security home should have provided.  It is unbelievable to see what people are willing to pay for giving up their marriages, if they have spent the same money and effort on working at their problems the marriage could have been saved.
FOR PERSONAL GROWTH – Walking out of a relationship most people have little understanding on what contributed to the breakup. We can usually tell in elaborate detail what our partners have done wrong, but we do not see our own error.  We then enter the new relationship, with the same baggage and unchanged. Conflict in a relationship is sometimes necessary to expose the areas in our lives where we are not Christ like. People get divorced mostly because they have been hurt by a partner’s un Christ like behaviour.  When we live to grow in Christ’s humility, meekness, gentleness, the fruit of the spirit, godly character, faithfulness, loyalty and love no one in the world would want to leave and separate.  There can thus be no justification for divorce, but our own fickle hearts and unrestrained passions.
FOR NOT BECOMING A ‘THIEF’ – When getting involved emotionally with a married person, you are setting up a scene of fraud and theft. You taking something that belongs to someone else.  Have you ever felt the powerless feeling when walking into your house that has been robbed? You are that person stealing! You are also the thief that is about to steal the trust and respect of the partner that have committed their life to you.  The pain of betrayal is like mourning the death of a loved one, but they are still alive and hurting you continually. One lady whose husband was unfaithful wrote in a letter to him: “you have robbed me for keeps, you make your partner an adulterer.  How will it feel if your partner would leave you for someone else?  The one person I allowed in, with whom I had no defence or secrets betrayed me!
FOR OLD AGE PARTNERSHIP – Most breakups in relationships happens around the first 7 years and then once the children have left home. This is when couples have to recommit themselves and renew their vows, because they’re not the same people they once were.  Yet the period we need a partner the most is in old age! As we grow older we become fragile and more and more dependent on each-other. Many times the one partner becomes more dependent.  Difficult adults become very difficult old people.  This is why we had to grow, adapt and change as individuals in character and person, to become the best we can be at the end. It is in old age where we appreciate it the most, the lives we have lived.  This was the intend at the beginning was it not? Growing old together!
FOR FRIENDSHIP – In divorce you lose not only a partner but you lose your friends too. When a couple gets divorced it brings an end to most of the friendships they have once shared.  Friends have to decide with which partner they are going to side. Those who keeps their distance to not get involved, remain uninvolved altogether. As friends we were supposed to get old together.  Divorce has such a huge ripple-effect on the extended family and friendship circle we belong to.  This is why a healthy family is the bedrock of society’s moral fibre and strength.
FOR ENDURANCE – Being single is terrifying.  The dating scene is so clouded, where hidden motives thrives, and pretence, broken hearts seeking solitude.  The uncertainty of finding love again, as specially getting older is a huge challenge.  Sexually it is about making that special connection, finding the one! We all seek intimacy, to know and to be known… But this really becomes quite a challenge if we have no way to know, to be certain to find that special person.  Enduring with the one you do know is certainly much easier.
FOR THE RIGHT FOUNDATION – A relationship build on adultery and someone else’s heartbreak is doomed for failure.  There will always be trust issues and respect issues. The divorce rate after the second marriage is considerably higher. Once you have been unfaithful, it is easy to do it again.
FOR LOYALTY – We all treasure loyalty and fear the abandonment of the one we love. Yet some are willing to do exactly that and betray their partner, helpmate our spouse.  Beware of turning your heart and seek to be nourished elsewhere.  All relationships go through difficulty, the routine of daily living, the boring shores of responsibility and duty.  One may feel entitled to justify your unfaithfulness because of core needs not met within marriage.  The bible instructs us to drink from your own fountain, the wife of your youth. (Proverbs 5:18) All sexual needs should be met within marriage. (1 Corinthians 7:1-5) Learn to be content whether you get what you want or not.  Marriage is about give and take. If only one member in the relationship do all the sacrifices it will lead to disillusionment and discouragement. Kindle and rekindle the fire within the relationship and stay in the boat.
FOR IT IS WORTH IT – I would love to ask every person who ever walked out and committed adultery, whether it was worth it in the end? Years later after all the damage caused has settled down, and the new relationship now also becomes routine, was it worth it?
Fight for you marriage, it is worth it!

Categories
Hartklop

The Power of Two

The Power of two.
What is the Power that makes some partnership flourish, creating a collective genius far surpassing the genius of one?
That question lies at the heart of Joshua Wolf Shenk’s new book out this week, Powers of Two: Finding the Essence of Innovation in Creative Pairs, in which, drawing on academic research, historical evidence, and original reportage, he explores what makes creative partnerships tick, from a foundation of trust to a spark that ignites when two people are “as alike as identical twins and as unalike as complete strangers.”
All of us have experienced creative connection, and glimpsed its power. Yet, for centuries, the myth of the lone genius has obscured the critical story of the power of collaboration. In Powers of Two, Joshua Wolf Shenk argues that creative pairs are the exemplars for innovation. Drawing on years of research on great partnerships in history – from Lennon and McCartney to Marie and Pierre Curie, plus hundreds more in fields including literature, popular culture, art and business – Shenk identifies the common journey pairs take from the spark of initial connection, through the passage to a cognitive ‘joint identity” to competition and the struggle for power. Using scientific and psychological insights, he uncovers new truths about epic duos – and sheds new light on the genesis of some of the greatest creative work in history. He reveals hidden partnerships among people known only for their individual work (like C. S. Lewis and J. R. R. Tolkien), and even ‘adversarial collaborations’ among those who are out to beat each other. This revelatory and lyrical book will make us see creative exchange as the central terrain of our psyches.
More example in our time is:
Bill Gates & Paul Allen (colleagues; business partners) Founders of Microsoft Corporation
Founders Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak created Apple Computer on April 1, 1976,
Frodo Baggins & Sam Gamgee (fictional; companions in the Lord of the Ring trilogy)
Biblical Examples are:
Gen 2:25 Adam and eve
Jos 2:1 The Two Spies
Zech 4:14 Two anointed ones (King & Priest Partnership)
2 Sam 20:34; & Sam 1:25-26 David & Jonathan
Jesus send the disciples two by two (Luk 10:1)
According the wisdom of the Preacher “two ae better than one” Eccl 4:9-12
What are the hindrances to a healthy partnership.
1) Lack of honour – Jesus exist to glorify the Father, our accurate deeds in frequency with the Father’s will glorify Him. We honour God with our lives when we accurately represent Him. Our lives, testimony, fruit, accomplishments, and success, is because we listened and obeyed His instruction, utilizing His wisdom, applying his power… The fruit glorifies the source. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and  glorify your Father in heaven. (Matthew 5:16) We show honor in the way we involve and value our partner. Not informing one another of important decisions, and not including the other is a show of disrespect.
2) Desire to control, and Ego. Wanting to remain in control and have the last say, stifles the creativity in a relationship.  A team works well together when both get’s the opportunity to lead.  Working together is like dancing, mutual submission, and willingness to be led.
3) Losing Unity as always being the first point on the Agenda. Our point of departure is always unity first.  No matter the grudge, the mistake or the problem it remains OUR problem, we face it together.  We solve things together.  We think team all the time.
4) Poor confrontation skills and results. Confrontation is healthy, if done the correct way.  We all need to improve our correction skills, being mature enough to agree to disagree.  Dealing with all our defense meganisme and bad habits in terms of reaction to correction paves the way to a strong relationship.  We can grow, through our differences.
5) Not defining and understanding different roles. Healthy partners know their individual roles and gifts they add to the friendship. Both know their weakness and strengths and how to use the strengths to each other’s benefit.  Defining the different roles and job description helps to establish synergy.
6) Having two visions, or goals. – division.  Two visions will eventually break and destroy the partnership.  It is the common agreement that holds the partnership together.  We do not create unity we preserve it! Keep to the original vision, and both must be in agreement when the goalposts change.
7) Lack of Execution – physical work done, completed for the other. Not keeping your word, on what is agreed, will end the partnership.  Both need to be responsible and show integrity to complete tasks, and fulfill obligations.  This is the most basic foundation of any partnership.  Not getting things done, and not fulfilling your end of the bargain destroys trust.

Categories
Hartklop

15 Steps of Unfaithfulness in Marriage

Sien hierdie kragtige PPT oor Egbreuk vir meer antwoorde:
How does adultery “happen?” People don’t just decide one day to hop in bed and be unfaithful to their spouse. Adultery is the culminating act of a dozen or more tiny steps of unfaithfulness. Each step in itself does not seem that serious or much beyond the previous step. Satan draws a person into adultery one tiny step at a time. And he does this over time so that our conscience is gradually seared. This makes it easier to take “just one more step” thinking such a tiny step won’t hurt us.
The following “15 steps” which analyze how adultery “happens” are based on scores of interviews, counseling, and correspondence with church folk who fell into unfaithfulness. Our question: “How did this happen… what were the tiny steps which led to this mess?” While the order varied from case to case, the following is the general progression which surfaced in most incidents. This is not some sort of theoretical list. These are the actual steps taken by scores of church people who wound up committing adultery and regretting it later. Some of these people sobbed deeply as they shared, hoping that their own pain and failure might save other marriages. This information comes to you at great expense.
This chapter doesn’t have any preaching or analysis… that is left to you. Here we offer you cold word-for-word quotes. You and your Sunday School class can draw out the lessons. How did these lives get ruined? How does it start?
1. Sharing Common Interests. (Deel gemeenskaplike belange)
“We just had so much in common, it was uncanny.”
“She and I both enjoyed music, and we were attracted to each other.”
“He was so spiritually-minded… I’d been looking for someone to share my spiritual struggles with.”
“We both loved horses, and started riding together.”
“We both shared a burden for the church and especially children’s work.”
“She was the first woman I’d ever met who liked the outdoors, even hunting and fishing — I was fascinated!”
2. Mentally comparing with my mate. (Vergelyk my maat, fokus op tekortkominge)
“My husband wasn’t interested much in spiritual things, but this man knew so much about the Bible.”
“She was slim, attractive, and dressed sharp — quite a difference from my wife who didn’t take care of herself much at that time.”
“She was so understanding and would listen to me and my hurts — my wife was always so busy and rushed that we didn’t have the time to talk.
“My husband just would never communicate — he’d come home from work and just sit there watching TV. I finally gave up on him. Then this man came along who was worlds apart from my husband — he was gentile, loved to talk, and would just share little things about his life with me.”
3. Meeting emotional needs. (Bevredig emosionele behoeftes)
“He understood how I was feeling and offered me the empathy I was hungering for.”
“She was there when I needed her.”
“My ego was so starved for affirmation that I would have taken it from anyone — I guess that’s what started the whole thing.”
“No one had ever really believed in me until he came along. He encouraged me, inspired me, and believed so deeply in what I could become.”
“My wife was busy with the kids and not at all involved with my work. This girl admired me and treated me like I was really somebody. It felt so good.”
4. Looking forward to being together.  (sien uit daarna om mekaar te sien)
“I used to dread going to work, but after we started our friendship, I would wake up thinking of how I would see him later that day… it seemed to make getting up easier.”
“I would think of being with her the whole time I was driving to work.”
“I found myself thinking of him as I got dressed each morning, wondering how he would like a certain outfit or perfume.”
“I looked forward to choir practice every week because I knew he would be there.”
“Every time I drove by her house I would think of her and how we’d see each other that Sunday.”
5. Tinges of dishonesty with my mate. (Begin oneerlik te handel met my maat)
“When my wife would ask if she was with the group I’d pretend I couldn’t remember… right there I started building a wall between us.”
“I would act like I was going to practice with our ensemble, but actually I was practicing a duet with him.”
“Once my wife asked about her, but I denied everything, after all, we hadn’t done anything wrong yet. Now I see that this was one of those exit points where I could have come clean and got off the road I was speeding down.”
“Whenever we got together as couples I would act like I didn’t care about him, and afterward I would even criticize him to my husband. I guess I was trying to hide my real feelings from my husband.”
6. Flirting and teasing. (Flirtasie en speelse grapies)
“I could tell from the way she looked at me. She would gaze directly into my eyes, then furtively glance down my body then back into my eyes again — I knew then that she was interested in more than my friendship. But, I was so flattered by her interest that I couldn’t escape.”
“Then we started teasing each other, often with double-meaning kind of things. Sometimes we’d tease each other even when we were together as two couples. It seemed innocent enough at first, but more and more we knew it really did mean something to us.”
“We would laugh and talk about how it seemed like we were “made for each other” so much. Then we’d tease each other about what kind of husband or wife the other one would have been if we’d married each other.”
“He had those killer eyes. When he’d look at me in that “special way” I would just melt. It was hopeless fighting my urges — he had me.”
7. Talking about personal matters. (begin oor persoonlike sake te praat en deel)
“We would talk about things — not big things, just little things which he cared about, or I was worried about.”
“We’d meet together for coffee before church and just talk together.”
“I was having problems with my son and she seemed to understand the whole situation so much better than anyone else I talked with. I’d tell her about the most recent blow-up and she would understand so well. We just became really deep friends — almost soul-mates. That’s what’s so weird about all this — we never intended for it to go this far.”
“I had lost my Dad just before we got to know each other and he had lost his mother a few years earlier. He seemed to understand exactly what I was going through and we would talk for hours about how each of us felt.”
“I was so lonely since my husband died and hungry for someone to share life with. Then he began to call just because he cared. I loved hearing his caring voice at the other end of the line, even though I knew he was married.”
“We spent so much time together at work that I swear she knew more about me than my wife ever did — or even cared to know.”
8. Minor yet arousing touch, squeeze, or hug. (Ligte aanrakings, drukkies, met gevoel)
“He never touched me for months. Then one night after working late, we were walking toward the door when he said ‘You’re so special, thanks for all you do…” then he turned and hugged me tenderly, just for a second. I loved how I felt for that moment so much that I began to replay it over and over again in my mind like a videotape. Now I know that I should have stopped it all right then. I never intended to ruin my family like this.”
“She was always hanging around our house and was my wife’s best friend. Often she would stay late to watch TV, even after my wife went to bed. She would sit beside me on the couch and I was drawn to her like the song says… like a moth to the flame.”
“He would often pat me on the shoulder — you know, in appreciation for a good job I’d done. But I knew it meant more than that.”
“The first time she touched me was when we were doing registration together. We were sitting beside each other. I’d say something cute or funny and she would giggle, then under the table she’d squeeze the top of my leg with her hand. That was really exciting to me.”
“Every time she shook hands with me at the door she seemed to linger, sort of holding my hand more than shaking it. No one else would notice, but I knew there was more to her touch than appeared to the eyes. She knew too.”
9. Special notes or gifts. (spesiaale geskenke, en boodskappe)
“He would write these little encouraging notes and leave them in my desk, pocketbook, or taped to my computer. They didn’t say anything which could be traced. If anyone found them they wouldn’t suspect anything. But we both knew what was going on, we just didn’t want to stop yet.”
“I would sometimes call him and leave a short message on his answering machine. He would leave little notes in my Bible.”
“He would buy me a little gift — not that expensive, but it always showed he had taken extra thought to get exactly what I liked. Of course everyone else thought he was just being a good boss.”
“She started leaving unsigned notes to me in my desk sharing her feelings for me. It scared me at first, because I thought someone would find one. But after a while I found myself looking forward to the next one, even though I knew the risk.”
10. Inventing excuses to call or meet. (Dink verskonings uit om mekaar te ontmoet)
“I started figuring out ways I could drop off something at her house when her husband was gone. He and I knew each other and I would always return borrowed tools in the afternoon when I knew she’d be there alone.”
“I would wait until the end of the workday then I’d call him just before closing time about something I’d made up as a ‘business question’ and we’d talk.”
“The more entangled we got, the more I planned times where he and I could practice together. We started meeting more often.”
“She started arranging her schedule so that her husband dropped her off at committee meetings. I would hang around and offer to take her home, acting with as much nonchalance as I could muster up.”
11. Arranging secret meetings. (Beplan geheime ontmoetings)
“By now we both were so far gone that we started meeting secretly at the mall parking lot. It know now how foolish this was, but I was driven by something other than good sense at that time.”
“We started arranging to work evenings on the same nights, then we would leave early and meet each other in the dark parking lot.”
“I started making sure he knew my travel schedule so we could attend the same conferences. We still weren’t involved physically at that time, but there was such excitement and romance to it all… even the secrecy seemed to make it more exciting.”
“She would sometimes call me just before lunch and we’d sneak through a drive-up together, and then spend the rest of my lunch hour talking quietly to each other.”
12. Deceit and cover ups. (Misleiding en verdoeseling)
“Once we were meeting secretly I had to invent all kinds of stories about where I’d been to satisfy my wife. By now I had built a towering wall of dishonesty between us.”
“Pretty soon my whole life was full of lies. I’d lie about where I was going, where I’d been, and who I’d been with. The more suspicious my husband got, the better liar I became. But he knew something was going on. It’s hard to lie without people suspecting it.”
“I joined several groups so that I would have an excuse to be away in the evenings.”
“She would ask when I’d gotten off work. I’d simply lie about it, and she never knew what hit her. How can I ever regain her trust now?”
“We agreed that if anyone saw us driving around we would both tell the same story: that my car wouldn’t start, he stopped to help, an we were going together to get a new fuse to replace the broken one he’d discovered.”
“By now my whole life was a lie, so I began telling them regularly to cover up our little meetings.”
13. Kissing and embracing. (Soen en vashou, en omhelsings)
“The whole thing seemed so exciting by now. I was such a fool. We were meeting secretly and both of us were fearful of being caught. But that only seemed to increase our common ground. When we’d meet, we would embrace as if we’d not been together for years — like in the movies when someone comes home from the war.”
“Once we started meeting secretly the end came fast. We kissed and hugged like two teenagers going parking for their first time.”
“It just felt so good to be hugged and loved by somebody who really cared about me.”
14. Petting and high indiscretion. (Sekuele voorspel en onbetaamlike gedrag)
“At this point my glands took over. I forgot reason altogether and was willing to risk everything for more.”
“It was like I was a teenager again — going too far, then repenting and promising to do better; then just as quick I was hungrily seeking more sin.”
“When my husband and I were dating we struggled with ‘how far to go.’ Well, here I was again struggling over the same issue. Friendship with this guy didn’t seem so wrong. But now were we’re going further than I ever intended. But, I felt curiously justified going exactly as far as I had with my husband when had been dating. In a way, I think some of my resentment against my husband’s constant pressure on me started coming out. I’m not saying that it wasn’t wrong. Just that I kind of felt justified.”
“At about this time I began fooling myself into thinking I was heroic for not going “all the way.” That’s what I wanted to do. But by doing “everything but” I fooled myself into thinking I was successfully resisting temptation. What I didn’t realize was that, not only was what I was doing wrong, but that eventually I would take the next step. It’s just not possible to freeze a relationship — you have to go ahead with it, or break it off totally.”
15. Sexual intercourse. (Sekuele omgang)
“Soon I quit resisting and was swept into outright adultery.”
“One thing led to another and finally we ended up in bed with each other.”
“Though we never intended it to go that far, we eventually went all the way and had sex.”
“One night we couldn’t seem to stop ourselves (at least we didn’t want to) so I completed my journey of unfaithfulness to my husband — I had sex with this man.”